March 20, 2007
For the Love of a Monster.

What happens when a person falls for the wrong kind? The very worst kind?
Virginia did. She had a close call too.

Virginia ignored the warning signs and became ensnared by a man she would now call “evil.” At one point she even considered suicide, standing over a high cliff, about to step off, when she suddenly (and clearly) saw the faces of her children. She had to live for them. And she also knew that this man desired her self-destruction. That would fuel his tremendous self-regard. 

Virginia wrote down her thoughts at the time of her relationship. Her words show an example of the sort of inner dialogue which can ensue from a close escape with a black hole---otherwise known as a diagnosed psychopath, referred to here as “X”.

In Virginia’s own words…

 “I left my family, my hometown and friends for X.
I believed in X totally; believed him too.
I let him be abusive without naming it.
I believed the abuse to be deserved and desired.
I placed X's ideologies above my own.
I allowed X to be critical and pushy.
I cried instead of raged.
I gave in, didn't hold ground.
When X wanted to reconcile (as he said), I believed his words and not his actions.
I didn't tell his friends about the truth of our relationship.
I gave him money, lots of gifts.

I went into a relationship with him despite strong evidence from the beginning that it would be very, very unsatisfying and toxic to my self-esteem.
I continued to try to win his love even though it was clear he had many characteristics which were undesirable---everyone has these kinds of traits to some extent but X made no attempt to modify these for anyone else's benefit or greater good. He simply offered
"Take me or leave me."

I modified my world view to accommodate X's beliefs.
I defended him time and again to his detractors.
I continued to try and understand him, beyond the call of duty.

In fact, much of this can be summed up by seeing all my actions as going beyond the call of duty---some people might say that I deserved the misery as a punishment for not getting out earlier or even for beginning the relationship. I believe I betrayed myself simply for the existence of the relationship, killing a part of me to give X life.
I don't know why I believed/believe X is worthier of life than me.
I think all I've done is show him that I am a fool.
He once told me that he couldn't respect me since I didn't respect myself, which seemed like a sick joke given how much of my attention was necessarily focused on him for the sake of boosting his great insecurity, and that my lack of self-respect around him was at least partially due to his disrespectful attitude to me. I tried to explain this to him but failed.
I am not sure whether X is aware of my anguish over the failure of our relationship.
Take me or leave me. That was X. Since I took him warts and all like in a marriage vow, for better or worse, X's rejection now makes me despise my loyalty. I kept my promise of fidelity. It didn't earn me any respect from X.

These revelations make me feel very raw, and so will spasm and retract with great pain when touched with the steel of cold judgement."
(Editor’s note: Look at the placement and aspects of Saturn and Mars in both X’s horoscope and Malc’s horoscope for indications of cruelty. Malc's story is coming soon)

I despise my ability to be entirely loyal. It just makes me look foolish and unmodern.
I know I did these things willingly. I'm not asking to be given back what I gave to X. I just wanted him to acknowledge my worth, that I was (at one time) worthy of his love. Even if X never wanted to see me again. I wanted to know he valued me with total certainty. Not a patronizing valuing either. If there is any doubt of his ever valuing me then I am tempted to spend the rest of my life trying to earn his esteem.

So, betrayal of me? Or has this been an heroic act of loyalty at the expense of real love with someone else?

I sent the above to X. And then asked him thusly:

“Here, X, is something at the core of all this: The question of whether I make any impact on someone I really love, if not, do I exist at all? I mean, for you I exist now only as a series of keystrokes---one click of the mouse and I am gone---my words, my only form of existence to you now, will be deleted. The better part of my life has been spent in this kind of limbo, poised and ready to be deleted from the memories of those I have held dear and in respect. It is my greatest fear---to be invisible and unremembered.”

(Editor’s note: With this last paragraph, dear reader, Virginia laid a trap for X. If he was really as bad as she thought, he would take the bait and tell her he was wiping out all her emails to him and anything else electronic she had submitted for his affection. He did. She at least had the satisfaction of knowing he had betrayed his mind to her. She could thank her lucky stars that she got away with her sanity intact. Can’t say the same about X)

Virginia wrote to tell me a bit of a postscript.

“X’s response to all this was to confirm the nullification I felt---he sent out words which came across as a deliberate curse. He was fuelled by self-righteousness: “What right had she to do this thing? To say these words, by this method communicate her hatred? Why didn’t she just grow up?” and other exhortations. He said I was doomed forever.

“I felt shame at my unkind thoughts of him. I saw myself as once again at a darkened crossroads. Why do I choose so badly? My head was spinning with all the messages I had devoured in the years of the relationship, and the 18 months following it. There were so many clues uncovered by others experiencing their own Calcinations, or Descent into Hades. I thought I had gone too far with my obsession, no, I knew it. At least I could see that much. The world was not mine; I had relinquished a glorious role in the Earth's own daily roll around the Sun. Travelling from Space to terra firma stands a stranger in a strange land of “Starry Nights.”
(Ed.’s note: No, I don’t know what that last sentence means either, but it sounds evocative of new beginnings)

“After my last encounter with X, I felt filled with the corroding guilt of early life. To have such a conscience was laughable to someone like X. He sneered at desire to be Good, and the drive to perform acts of Good. X would start things which looked Good, when it looked best to be doing those Good things. Then, when it no longer suited him, he left them all---his children, his wife, the work he was trained to do, his social obligations…This was the mechanism of his psychopathology and the real creator of his list of woes. Later I came to know that he had betrayed those under his “care” in unspeakable ways. And he still thinks he is the Messiah.”

“I stand at the darkened crossroads. I have been standing here most of my life. I have been standing here so long that one by one every flame of inner light has been extinguished in my heart until there is nothing left to guide my way. Only Fate can decide. The machine language of the cells is activated. The cells communicate this Fate to me. Then, and only then, can I make a choice. In an act of obvious Free Will, I move forward toward---------“

Organic Divination for the Urban Jungle

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